Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Sex With Aliens Is Always Awkward

If you have ever read any science fiction stories or watched any movies or TV shows in the genre, you’ve come across Aliens. It’s one of the major pillars in the genre. Writers love trying to figure out what life will be like on other planets. And for the most part, it’s pretty dull. Something like 90% of all aliens portrayed in films and TV tend to be some form of humanoid. Most look exactly like humans. And even more than looking like humans, they all seem to have a similar anatomy to humans. Judging by the number of species that Kirk managed to bed down with, the Vagina is universal. But if you really look at examples of aliens presented by fiction, sex with aliens seems like it would be a horrible and terrible experience.

Reproduction
Now we use the term “sex” but when it comes down to it, this is all supposed to be about reproduction. Making babies. And in order for there to be sex between two species, sex must be a part of reproduction. And there is no guarantee of that. Look at the Xenomorphs from the Alien series. They reproduce through a parasite attaching itself to a host and infecting them with an alien embryo that will mature inside the host. Nothing “sex”-like about that. You can be male, female, neuter, merely a biological organism. That’s just one alternative to sexual reproduction. But chances are more alien species would develop an alternative to male/female sexual reproduction. So before you even have time to find the intergalactic equivalent of Spanish Fly, you’re being used as an incubator for a parasite.

Age of Consent
A year is 365 days (also 525,600 minutes for you theatre fans). But that’s just on Earth. On Mars a year is 687 days. The point is that different planets have different measurements of time. So if you told a Martian (for the sake of this argument we’ll say there is life on Mars) that you were 18, in reality you are telling him you are 9 and a half. Also while it is considered pretty universal in human society that 18 is a mature adult, not everyone has matured when they reach that age. Some people age slower or mature sooner. And aliens might have even more rapid or protracted lifespans. On the TV show Star Trek: Voyager there was an alien race called the Ocampa that only lived 9 years (9 years their home planet, 9 years Earth time, they never quite explained). The point is she aged rapidly. And yet despite being only 2 or 3 years of age on the show, engaged in sexual relationships with several crewmembers. Regardless of her actual age, she was considered mature enough to engage in relationships. Apparently the unofficial motto of Starfleet is “If there’s grass on the field, play ball.”

Genitals
You can’t talk about sex without talking about genitals. They’re an important part of the process. And assuming that species all reproduce the same, even if there are male and female members of a species, there is no guarantee that they will have complimentary or corresponding genitalia to yours. On the popular TV series Babylon 5 (no matter what Sheldon Cooper says) it is revealed that the Centauri, an alien species, have six. Six what, they never say. But when Centauri have sex they use six, increasing the amount used to increase the sexual intensity. Now as a red blooded American male, I have one. I know what that one is for and have no idea how that one is supposed to correspond with five other things. Also returning to the Ocampa, who  give birth out of their backs between the shoulder blades. Which leads one to believe that they have vaginas on their backs? Staying in the Star Trek universe, in The Undiscovered Country, Kirk kicks an alien in the kneecaps and is told that he in fact hit the alien in his possible alien balls. This presents a whole new problem trying to find the G spot if you also have to find the Q, X, Z, and # spots as well.

STDs
"Again?"
Women love a man in uniform. Even if that uniform looks like pajamas with pieces of jewelry attached. Throughout the Star Trek series, each show had a member of the crew who was always drowning in ladies. Kirk was it on the original enterprise. Riker took over on Next Gen. Doctor Bashir and Worf both seemed to do pretty well with the ladies on Deep Space Nine (though I might give special mention to Odo). And of course Tom Paris and Harry Kim were serial daters on Voyager. So with all this sex one has to wonder, did any of these people get an STD? The future of Star Trek is filled with an amazing amount of medical science, but people still get sick. And despite the fact that illnesses aren’t supposed to cross the species barrier with the ease they seem to do in the future, sickness is rampant in the future. But we never see a scene where someone walks into sickbay, talks to the doctor or activates an EMH (which is what I’d do because you could erase its memory) and say “It hurts when I pee.” There was an episode of Voyager that had a Macro-Virus (a virus that grows to enormous size) on it. I dread to think what that would be like as a venereal disease.

Mating Habits and Reproductive Cycles
Okay, forget everything above. Let’s say you are disease free, have corresponding genitalia to your mate, and have found someone of the same sexual persuasion as you. You still have to approach this potential interstellar friend with benefits. Which is not as easy as one might think. Vulcans mate once every seven years of their natural lives. They literally go insane until they bust a nut or draw blood. If you want to date a Klingon, they draw blood right to begin with. A Klingon will bite a potential mate on the cheek. 50 Shades of Grey is heavy petting compared to the Klingon Kama Sutra (if there is Klingon Shakespeare, there’s got to be Klingon sex manuals). And that’s just two examples from one sci-fi universe.

Hybrids
 While sex is fun, the real purpose of it, as stated in the first example, is procreation. Which is sadly a bad idea for humans and aliens to do. Even if you get through all the above problems between aliens and humans in order for you to be a happy couple with your alien love mate there is a major problem. Sterility. It has been observed among many animal species on earth that when two genetically compatible animals mate, the offspring is usually infertile. That is to say they are incapable of having children themselves. These are animals that at least come from the same gene pool, with a common ancestry some where in its evolutionary history. For two completely alien species to mate it would probably be impossible for them to even produce offspring, let alone offspring that would be infertile.


So there you have it. Alien sex is awkward, gross, pointless, and in many cases dangerous. Stick to earthlings or your right hand. It may be less fun but you’ll live a longer and more fulfilling life. If you must engage in sexual congress with an alien, be sure to program the code for titanium condoms in your replicator and make sure your sickbay is stocked up on antibiotics. And keep a phaser close by.

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