If you have ever read any science fiction stories or watched
any movies or TV shows in the genre, you’ve come across Aliens. It’s one of the
major pillars in the genre. Writers love trying to figure out what life will be
like on other planets. And for the most part, it’s pretty dull. Something like 90%
of all aliens portrayed in films and TV tend to be some form of humanoid. Most
look exactly like humans. And even more than looking like humans, they all seem
to have a similar anatomy to humans. Judging by the number of species that Kirk
managed to bed down with, the Vagina is universal. But if you really look at
examples of aliens presented by fiction, sex with aliens seems like it would be
a horrible and terrible experience.
Reproduction
Now we use the term “sex” but when it comes down to it, this
is all supposed to be about reproduction. Making babies. And in order for there
to be sex between two species, sex must be a part of reproduction. And there is
no guarantee of that. Look at the Xenomorphs from the Alien series. They
reproduce through a parasite attaching itself to a host and infecting them with
an alien embryo that will mature inside the host. Nothing “sex”-like about
that. You can be male, female, neuter, merely a biological organism. That’s
just one alternative to sexual reproduction. But chances are more alien species
would develop an alternative to male/female sexual reproduction. So before you
even have time to find the intergalactic equivalent of Spanish Fly, you’re
being used as an incubator for a parasite.
Age of Consent
A year is 365 days (also 525,600 minutes for you theatre
fans). But that’s just on Earth. On Mars a year is 687 days. The point is that
different planets have different measurements of time. So if you told a Martian
(for the sake of this argument we’ll say there is life on Mars) that you were
18, in reality you are telling him you are 9 and a half. Also while it is
considered pretty universal in human society that 18 is a mature adult, not
everyone has matured when they reach that age. Some people age slower or mature
sooner. And aliens might have even more rapid or protracted lifespans. On the
TV show Star Trek: Voyager there was an alien race called the Ocampa that only
lived 9 years (9 years their home planet, 9 years Earth time, they never quite
explained). The point is she aged rapidly. And yet despite being only 2 or 3 years
of age on the show, engaged in sexual relationships with several crewmembers.
Regardless of her actual age, she was considered mature enough to engage in
relationships. Apparently the unofficial motto of Starfleet is “If there’s
grass on the field, play ball.”
Genitals
You can’t talk about sex without talking about genitals. They’re
an important part of the process. And assuming that species all reproduce the
same, even if there are male and female members of a species, there is no
guarantee that they will have complimentary or corresponding genitalia to
yours. On the popular TV series Babylon 5 (no matter what Sheldon Cooper says)
it is revealed that the Centauri, an alien species, have six. Six what, they
never say. But when Centauri have sex they use six, increasing the amount used
to increase the sexual intensity. Now as a red blooded American male, I have one.
I know what that one is for and have no idea how that one is supposed to
correspond with five other things. Also returning to the Ocampa, who give birth out of their backs between the
shoulder blades. Which leads one to believe that they have vaginas on their
backs? Staying in the Star Trek universe, in The Undiscovered Country, Kirk
kicks an alien in the kneecaps and is told that he in fact hit the alien in his
possible alien balls. This presents a whole new problem trying to find the G
spot if you also have to find the Q, X, Z, and # spots as well.
STDs
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| "Again?" |
Women love a man in uniform. Even if that uniform looks like
pajamas with pieces of jewelry attached. Throughout the Star Trek series, each
show had a member of the crew who was always drowning in ladies. Kirk was it on
the original enterprise. Riker took over on Next Gen. Doctor Bashir and Worf
both seemed to do pretty well with the ladies on Deep Space Nine (though I
might give special mention to Odo). And of course Tom Paris and Harry Kim were
serial daters on Voyager. So with all this sex one has to wonder, did any of
these people get an STD? The future of Star Trek is filled with an amazing
amount of medical science, but people still get sick. And despite the fact that
illnesses aren’t supposed to cross the species barrier with the ease they seem
to do in the future, sickness is rampant in the future. But we never see a
scene where someone walks into sickbay, talks to the doctor or activates an EMH
(which is what I’d do because you could erase its memory) and say “It hurts
when I pee.” There was an episode of Voyager that had a Macro-Virus (a virus
that grows to enormous size) on it. I dread to think what that would be like as
a venereal disease.
Mating Habits and
Reproductive Cycles
Okay, forget everything above. Let’s say you are disease
free, have corresponding genitalia to your mate, and have found someone of the
same sexual persuasion as you. You still have to approach this potential
interstellar friend with benefits. Which is not as easy as one might think.
Vulcans mate once every seven years of their natural lives. They literally go
insane until they bust a nut or draw blood. If you want to date a Klingon, they
draw blood right to begin with. A Klingon will bite a potential mate on the
cheek. 50 Shades of Grey is heavy petting compared to the Klingon Kama Sutra
(if there is Klingon Shakespeare, there’s got to be Klingon sex manuals). And
that’s just two examples from one sci-fi universe.
Hybrids
While sex is fun, the
real purpose of it, as stated in the first example, is procreation. Which is
sadly a bad idea for humans and aliens to do. Even if you get through all the
above problems between aliens and humans in order for you to be a happy couple
with your alien love mate there is a major problem. Sterility. It has been
observed among many animal species on earth that when two genetically
compatible animals mate, the offspring is usually infertile. That is to say
they are incapable of having children themselves. These are animals that at
least come from the same gene pool, with a common ancestry some where in its
evolutionary history. For two completely alien species to mate it would
probably be impossible for them to even produce offspring, let alone offspring
that would be infertile.
So there you have it. Alien sex is awkward, gross,
pointless, and in many cases dangerous. Stick to earthlings or your right hand.
It may be less fun but you’ll live a longer and more fulfilling life. If you
must engage in sexual congress with an alien, be sure to program the code for
titanium condoms in your replicator and make sure your sickbay is stocked up on
antibiotics. And keep a phaser close by.
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